“According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.'” – Jay Leno
“According to a recent survey, one in eight people say they will not buy gas from BP anymore. Unless, of course, it’s cheaper than the station across the street.” – Jay Leno
“Tar balls have started washing ashore in Louisiana. Meanwhile, the slime balls that started the whole thing are still in Washington.” – Jay Leno
“They got a new prime minister in Great Britain. Name is David Cameron, and he has pledged to protect the country from terrorism. So today, he met with the nation’s top T-shirt vendors. ” – David Letterman
“So Gordon Brown is out. The election was delayed for like a week or 10 days because Al Gore demanded a recount.” – David Letterman
“Officials in the U.S. Treasury are complaining that some Mideast countries like Kuwait are not cooperating and shutting down the flow of money to Al Qaeda. Correct me if I’m wrong. Didn’t we liberate Kuwait? Now they don’t want to help us. Who do they think they are? France?” – Jay Leno
“And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs.” – David Letterman
“At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walked up to President Obama and said, ‘You’re a hottie with a smokin’ little body.’ I’ll tell you, Betty White is out of control.” – Jay Leno
“And the Senate this week voted to toughen the standards for home loans. Under the new standards, lenders would have to verify that the borrowers can repay the loan. Really? Is that considered a tough stance now? You have to pay back the loan? Borrow money from the mob sometime. They break your legs. Those are tough standards, okay?” – Jay Leno
“The Los Angeles City Council voted to boycott Arizona to protest the new anti-immigration law. The council vote wasn’t even close. The council voted, trece to uno.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin coming out with a second book in November, which is pretty impressive. This book was written almost as fast as the first book she didn’t write.” – Jay Leno
“The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore requests for President Obama’s birth certificate from the ‘Birthers.’ From now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and in front of a national landmark.’ – Jimmy Kimmel
