“Hey, did you know about this? Tonight, to protest Arizona’s new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns are all wearing jerseys that read ‘Los Suns.’ Thankfully, they can get the jerseys made quickly using an illegal sweatshop.” – Jay Leno
“So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.” – Jay Leno
“I was thinking about this. Here’s what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don’t look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they’ve got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: ‘You don’t look like you belong here. Get out!’ So the deal is, in Arizona, they don’t like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that’s odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor.” – David Letterman
“Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch — or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.” – Craig Ferguson
“Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army’s surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.'” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s Cinco de Mayo, or as they call it in Arizona: May Fifth.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they’re a bit touchy about that right now.” – Craig Ferguson
“Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.” – Jay Leno
“It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, looks like this guy was having financial problems as well. Turns out his house was in foreclosure. See, apparently the Taliban does not pay very well. And not to mention, no benefits. Who would take a job as a car bomber where they tell you, you have to use your own car? That’s unbelievable.” – Jay Leno
“If any job should give you a company car, it’s the car bomb business.” – Jay Leno
“Anyway, the bomb turned out to be a dud, thankfully. But had it exploded, it would have been the biggest bomb to hit New York since the Knicks, I guess.” – Jay Leno
“Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don’t watch Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.” – David Letterman
“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.’s women’s rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.” – Jay Leno
“Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.” – Jimmy Fallon
