“Anybody here from Arizona? Yeah, you know, they have this immigration law in Arizona. I guess it’s because they share a border with Mexico. In essence, the new law in Arizona is if you don’t look like you belong there, get out. And if you’re in this country illegally, I think I speak for most Americans when I say, ‘Qué?'” – David Letterman
“If you’re in Arizona and you don’t look like you belong there, they’ll give you a simple test. You have to be able to identify four of Larry King’s ex-wives.” – David Letterman
“Hey, great news. They made an arrest today in that failed Times Square bombing attempt. It turns out the suspect is a foreign-born, naturalized American citizen. You know what that means? He would have been fine in Arizona.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“His name is Faisal Shahzad. What, is Snoop Dogg naming terrorists now? They’re still looking for his brother, Fo Shizzle. They don’t know where he is.” – Jay Leno
“Yeah, they plucked a guy off a plane. His name is Faisal Shahzad. They say he was a moody loner. Last year, he vacationed in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Well, no red flags there.” – David Letterman
“Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they’re calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that’s one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?” – Jay Leno
“You know who’s really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?” – Jay Leno
“Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference. He described the bomb because everybody thought, wow, this is frightening. This is crazy. But the mayor said, no, the bomb was crude and amateurish. That’s what a lot of people are saying about last night’s show.” – David Letterman
“Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.” – Jay Leno
“The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he’s selling today? It says: ‘I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'” – Jay Leno
“But don’t you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?” – David Letterman
“And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that’s not going to do a lot.” – Jay Leno
“Anyway, it turns out this Faisal Shahzad has got a Facebook page. We looked it up. Let’s see who his friends are. Look, bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Danny Bonaduce. What are his favorite activities? What have we got there? We got beach volleyball, rollerblading. Look, blowing up Nissan Pathfinders.” – Jay Leno
“Experts say the FBI is saying potentially this thing could have been the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley.” –David Letterman
“This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you’ve got to go with the oil spill. British petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: ‘O.K., now wait a minute. It’s just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We’ll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'” – David Letterman
“Oil is still leaking off the coast of Louisiana. Lots of oil. BP, the company responsible for it, has a very good plan. BP is hoping to create a giant vinegar spill to turn the Gulf of Mexico into a delicious salad dressing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, what they’re doing is spraying chemicals on the oil to try to disperse it. And some environmentalists say the chemicals pose their own dangers. But the company that makes them points out the active ingredient is the same thing they put in ice cream. BP is trying to get the spill reclassified from disaster to dessert.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Let’s see what’s going on at BP, which stands for, of course, big problems.” – Jay Leno
“So it’s British Petroleum, or BP. BP, of course, as in broken pipe.” –David Letterman
“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” – Jay Leno
“But BP plans to pay for the cleanup. Then they’re going to ask for the bailout.” – David Letterman
“Well, here’s something kind of embarrassing. The government has called off the Safety Awards for Excellence ceremony that was supposed to take place this week, in honor of outstanding safety and pollution prevention. And British Petroleum, the one that was responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf, was one of the three finalists for the award. I believe the other two were China and the volcano in Iceland.” – Jay Leno
“But they say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.” – David Letterman
“Well, scientists are predicting that the oil from the BP spill will eventually reach the shores of Florida. So if you hated visiting your grandparents before, wait until you’re hosing down their oily bodies after a long day at the beach.” –Jimmy Fallon
“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And former aides to John Edwards are now claiming that Rielle Hunter lied to Oprah during her interview last week. Let me tell you something. You can lie in court in this country. You can lie at work. When you lie to Oprah, that is downright un-American.” – Jay Leno
“You know who was in town yesterday? Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was here, and his Members Only jacket. He was speaking at the U.N. Now, seriously, New York City is not this guy’s kind of town. Everybody here is either gay or Jewish. He had to get out. He said, ‘No thank you.'” – David Letterman
“Speaking of terrorism, two new videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show that their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, is alive, even though the U.S. thought he was killed. So, either our intelligence is wrong or they’re just shooting the new movie, ‘Weekend at Hakimullah’s.'” – Jimmy Fallon
