“John Edwards’s mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on ‘Oprah’ today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses’ marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that’s not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I’m sure that’s what it was.” – Jay Leno
“Rielle Hunter appeared on ‘Oprah’ to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. Not to be outdone, next week, John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Why is this woman on ‘Oprah’? Shouldn’t she be On ‘Maury Povich’? ‘John Edwards, you are the father!'” – Jay Leno
“And the world-renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, you know that guy? He says in his documentary, aliens do exist, but he says it’s best we do not try to interact with them. In fact, he’s against giving them driver’s licenses.” – Jay Leno
“Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos.” – Jay Leno
“They’re not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state’s drug supply.” – Jay Leno
“Former President George Bush is writing his memoir, and his wife, Laura Bush, also writing a book called, I believe, ‘From the Heart.’ And she talks about one time she and her husband, she believes when they were at a summit meeting in Germany, they were actually poisoned. That’s German food for you.” – David Letterman
“Publishers announced that former President George Bush’s book will be released Nov. 9. The book is called ‘Decision Points.’ The title is based on the fact whenever a decision needed to be made, Bush would point to Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“And because of that big oil rig fire down there in the Gulf of Mexico, it’s now leaking oil into the gulf at a rate of 210,000 gallons of oil a day. That is the equivalent of 10 buckets of fried chicken.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a show on CBS called ‘The Mentalist.’ It’s about a detective with heightened powers of observation. Let me give you an example of how good this guy is. This guy is so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that is a lying crook and a Goldman Sachs executive that’s a lying weasel. He’s that good.” – David Letterman
“And the White House’s top budget director — a man named Peter Orszag — warned that out-of-control deficits will mortgage our future to foreign creditors. Now, of course, people were stunned when they heard this. ‘What? The White House has a budget director? Where has he been?'” – Jay Leno
“And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he’ll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese.” – Jay Leno
“A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb.” – Jimmy Fallon
