“What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.” – Bill Maher
“Federal taxes last year went down for 98% of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88% of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, ‘We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy.” – Bill Maher
“They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a ‘Contract From America.’ Remember the ‘Contract With America’? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I’m not kidding about this: ‘The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.’ You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It’s not taxes they hate, it’s reading.” – Bill Maher
“These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it’s Obama’s fault, he just can’t figure out how.” – Bill Maher
“This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we’re lucky he didn’t have to kneel and blow him.” – Bill Maher
“In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon’s claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box.” – Seth Meyers
There’s a new poll that says that Pope Benedict’s approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He’s going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods’ dad.” – Bill Maher
“There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life. In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it’s not really that absorbent.” – Bill Maher
“Russia has banned all adoptions to America. So if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you’re going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.” – Bill Maher
“A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won’t cheat on his wife.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week Obama has decided to followed in Bush’s footsteps and promise that we are going to go to Mars. What is it with Mars that just captures presidential imagination? For Obama, I guess it’s the hope of a new frontier. For Bush, it was the likelihood of exploitable resources. And for Clinton it was the possibility of green pussy.” – Bill Maher
“In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened — Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.” – Jimmy Fallon
