“We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can’t say words that end in ‘g’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And they say $12 million is a conservative estimate. She may have made a lot more, and yet, she continues to blame Obama for the bad economy. It seems — weird, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The figure is a little bit misleading because most of that money is Alaskan currency, which is primarily made up of pelts and shiny rocks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Good. I think that’s called Al Karma.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the big story is the president of China, Hu Jintao, … is in Washington this week. Boy, it’s causing some controversy. You may have heard about this. President Obama was seen bowing to the Chinese leader. Well, he has to. I mean, the rent is going to be late again next month.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: ‘Who’s on first?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No, who?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No, who?’ ‘Yes.’ And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama announced that in 2012 he’s going to hold his next nuclear security summit at a site in South Korea, right near the North Korean border. Seriously? That’s like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James’s rehab facility. You’re asking for trouble.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It’s called ‘Funny or Actually Die.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He’s going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe.” – Jay Leno
“A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this health care thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your health care down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That’s a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?” – Jay Leno
“It’s a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is! But not a great day for former Vice President Al Gore. He was ambushed for an interview by Fox News. What’s wrong with you, Fox News? You don’t ambush him. If you want to get Al Gore for an interview, you don’t have to ambush him. Just leave a trail of ham into the studio.” – Craig Ferguson
