“Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they’re broke? Health insurance premiums.” – Jay Leno
“KFC restaurants have unveiled the ‘Double Down,’ which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance.” – Craig Ferguson
“Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won’t affect as many Americans as when Paula left ‘American Idol,’ but it’s still a big deal.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama’s choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That’s a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, ‘She’ll take it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tiger’s obviously under a lot of stress. It’s very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is – Vice President of the United States?” – Jay Leno
“Some more news out of Washington. Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory. Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show ‘Anderson Cooper 360″ by adding a live audience. After that, they’re hoping to spice up ‘Larry King Live’ by adding a live Larry King.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It was announced today that Conan O’Brien has a new talk show on TBS and a lot of people are asking how it will affect this show. It will not — people that watch this show cannot afford basic cable.” – Craig Ferguson
“Conan O’Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said ‘I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes.’ Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks.” – Jay Leno
