“President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone’s happy about it. Fox News said it was a ‘summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The treaty is about reducing the number of nuclear weapons we have pointed at each other. I thought we were friends with the Russians but we’ve really been ‘frienemies’ this whole time.” – Craig Ferguson
“Tiger Woods returned to golf today. President Obama and Russian President Medvedev signed the necessary documents and just like that, relations have been normalized.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“When I went to Moscow, I saw the tomb of Lenin. They keep his body preserved in a glass coffin. It’s waxy, it’s falling apart — it’s like Joan Rivers after a Brazilian.” – Craig Ferguson
“KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It’s bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: ‘We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can’t keep up with you guys.'” – Jay Leno
“Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It’s funny that she’s going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, ‘Drill, baby, drill.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bristol was a pregnant teen herself. She named her baby ‘Tripp,’ with two p’s, which is reason enough for teens not to have kids.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin’s daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it’s better than being a mother that’s totally unprepared to be vice president.” – Jay Leno
“Iranian President Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job has called President Obama a big bully. You know, when you’re 5 feet 2 inches, you think everybody’s a big bully.” – Jay Leno
“He threatened to punch President Obama right in the knee.” – Jay Leno
“China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That’s unbelievable. Maybe that’s why we didn’t understand them. He’s been singing in Chinese all these years.” – Jay Leno
