“Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn’t have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they’re thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church.” – Jay Leno
“You know what happened in Las Vegas today? Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let’s face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.” – David Letterman
“John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn’t really consider himself a ‘maverick.’ What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn’t think of himself as a maverick? I’ll tell you what kind — a maverick.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often.” – Jay Leno
“The Labor Department reported that the economy added 162,000 jobs last month, all of them bodyguards for Tiger Woods.” – Jay Leno
“The FAA announced that they are going to allow airline pilots to take anti-depressants. So now, if your pilot is drunk, at least he’ll be a happy drunk.” – Jay Leno
“The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there’s a new app that lets you burn them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
