“Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She’s been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who’s in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? ‘And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!”‘ – Jimmy Kimmel
“You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning with John McCain.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin was campaigning in a, you know, a motorcycle jacket. She looks like somebody Jesse James would date.” – David Letterman
“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.” – Jay Leno
“Did you hear about this? President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. Did you read all about that? That’s kind of exciting. It turns out he was shooting an episode of ‘Undercover Boss.'” – David Letterman
“He met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. You know why he was late for the meeting? He had transportation trouble. The accelerator on his camel.” – David Letterman
“Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even have a chance to say something stupid about it.” – Jay Leno
“This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News.” – David Letterman
“Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we’re going to try it back home in the United States.” – David Letterman
“And over in Afghanistan, the U.S. military is now using pilotless drones to attack Al Qaeda. Do you know what those are? It’s a plane that doesn’t have any pilot. It’s flown by remote control by somebody on the ground. Or as Southwest calls that, ‘the next step.'” – Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the FBI is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U.S. sports stadium. See, I don’t think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series.” – Jay Leno
“Congress is now preparing to pass yet another jobs bill. You know how to create more jobs in this country? Fire the people that wrote the first jobs bill. That obviously didn’t work.” – Jay Leno
“And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba.” – Jay Leno
“And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway.” – Jay Leno
