“The Democrats need 216 vote to pass health care reform. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.” – Bill Maher
“The Democrats are working overtime to get 216 votes to pass healthcare on Sunday. Which means Rahm Emanuel is prowling the showers like the head of a prison gang.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The healthcare debate is getting ugly. Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner got into such a heated argument that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections.” – Jay Leno
“People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.” – Bill Maher
“I’m so pumped for this weekend. My friends are coming over. We’re gonna pound some beers, paint our faces, and watch the healthcare vote go down on C-SPAN.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?” – Bill Maher
“Bernard Madoff was assaulted back in November in a prison dispute over money. The authorities are investigating the attack and have narrowed the suspects down to ‘everybody.'” – Jay Leno
“Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.” – Bill Maher
“Tomorrow is the first day of spring. This is the time of year when we’re reminded that love is like a Toyota; it can’t be stopped. If you don’t believe me, consider that there is now a video of John Edwards performing oral sex on Rielle Hunter when she was six month pregnant. Because who doesn’t love watching a politician kiss a baby?” – Bill Maher
