“Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“Now this year, the Academy Awards had a salute to horror films. Did you see that? That was remarkable. They even had footage of Vice President Dick Cheney in his torture chamber.” – David Letterman
“As you know, this year, they expanded the best picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage — they expanded that to include President Obama’s health care plan. Did you notice that?” – Jay Leno
“John McCain does not watch the Academy Awards. And you know why? Well, he doesn’t care for the talkies.” – David Letterman
“Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for ‘The Hurt Locker’, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, ‘How did you end it?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, how about this? President Obama had a meeting at the White House with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. And, in fact, they hit it off so well, Jay-Z gave the president his own rap name, ‘Biggie Deficit.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s been really busy, you guys. He’s making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people’s coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, ‘The AT&T option.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is cool. President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it ‘one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“At Obama’s space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there — Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“George W. Bush is writing a book about his eight years in the White House. I can’t wait. I want to get it. I’m going to take it with me to the beach this summer. And it will be good to hold down the blankets.” – David Letterman
“Going to be a big, thick book, which is great because you can put it on the floor, step up to reach a better book.” – David Letterman
“George W. Bush is proud of this. He says the book will be written in his own words. I was thinking, well, that’s too bad. If it was written in our words, we could understand it.” – David Letterman
“And I love this story. Just four days after being arrested on a drunken driving charge while leaving a gay bar with a man, State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, who is married and one of these anti-gay guys — very anti-gay, votes against every gay thing — and now he is gay. He said he finally realized it last night, while watching the big dance number during the Oscars.” – Jay Leno
“And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York — I love this — he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don’t try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!” – Jay Leno
