“Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy.” – David Letterman
“The Canadian men’s hockey team beat the United States in overtime yesterday to win the gold medal. They were up all night celebrating. President Obama kept banging a broom on the border, but they just wouldn’t stop.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” – Jimmy Kimmel
I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, as you may have heard, former Vice President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. He is like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks.” – Jay Leno
“Now how about this? Dick Cheney had his fifth heart attack. He’s O.K., resting comfortably. And the doctor, after they made the diagnosis, stamped his card and the sixth one is free.” – David Letterman
“Well, the good news is, the former vice president is doing fine, and his doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama had his annual physical checkup. Everything is perfect. So who needs health care now?” – David Letterman
“The physical went well, until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy.” – David Letterman
“President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer.” – Jay Leno
“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” – Jimmy Kimmel
