“Spring training started. And the Phillies, look out for the Phillies. They get this guy, Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in all of baseball. But listen to this, the Mets, very competitive. You know who they signed? They signed that guy who threw the shoes at President Bush.” – David Letterman
“President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, ‘It’s nucular!’ – David Letterman
“The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door.” – David Letterman
|
“President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They’ve even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president smoothed things over by not holding the meeting in the Oval Office, which I guess makes it more important, and by inviting Michelle Obama’s momma, Johnny Drama and Wilmer Valderrama in pajamas. So there’s no way that the Chinese can be angry at that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he’s going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman
“There’s a bit of a scandal in men’s figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for ‘fabulous.'” – David Letterman
“In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It’s all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.” – David Letterman
“How is it that the Olympics can hand out 250 medals in a few weeks? It takes ‘American Idol’ 58 weeks to pick one karaoke singer.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.” – Jimmy Kimmel
