“It’s Presidents’ Day, ladies and gentlemen. Three-day weekend for most people. Remember President George Bush? Every weekend was a three-day weekend for him.” – David Letterman
“Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. On Presidents’ Day, we celebrate America’s presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses.” – Craig Ferguson
“I think it was President Kennedy who said, ‘Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Did you have a nice Valentine’s Day? Remember the underpants bomber? Remember that guy? He bought his girlfriend some lovely exploding lingerie.” – David Letterman
“Everybody celebrates Valentine’s Day, whether you want to or not. Even President Barack Obama. The Republicans got together and bought him some candies for Valentine’s Day that say, ‘YOU LIE’ and ‘NOT TRUE.'” – David Letterman
“You know who was at the Daytona 500? Sarah Palin, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. She was at the finish line, and she waved her checkered past.'” – David Letterman
“Yesterday was Sarah Palin’s birthday. And Sarah celebrated the same way she does every year — got in a helicopter and was picking off wolf cubs.” – David Letterman
“I’m not sure what this says about us, but two new polls just came out. One of them found out that 70 percent of Americans support gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. And another poll, by the same company at the same time, found that only 59 percent of Americans support homosexuals serving openly in the military. I guess it means that 11 percent of Americans don’t know homosexuals are gay.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I’m thinking, how exactly would that work? ‘They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I’m very, very angry. It’s time for jihad.'” – Craig Ferguson
“A new Gallup poll found that 44 percent of Americans would vote for President Obama in 2012, while 42 percent would vote for a Republican candidate. If you are wondering about the other 14 percent, let’s just say Bieber fever has gotten a little out of control.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, there was a big feud between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current Vice President Joe Biden. Cheney is upset with Biden because Biden, when he moved in after they were elected, he closed down Cheney’s dungeon in the White House.” – David Letterman
“I’m worried about Biden. Do you really want to get in a feud with a guy who shoots people?” – David Letterman
“The ‘Wolfman’ movie opened today. It’s about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he’s elected governor of California.” – David Letterman
“The federal government was shut down today because of all the snow. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa’s dentures fly off.” – Craig Ferguson
