“Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?” – Jay Leno
“But Sarah Palin said she will not benefit from the speech. See, that way she’ll have something in common with the people in the audience.” – Jay Leno
“You know anything about the new senator from the great state of Massachusetts? Senator Scott Brown. Comes out of nowhere, this guy. And he used to be, like, a go-go boy. That’s where he got his start. And then he was a nude model, and now, he’s a senator. Have you seen the guy? Terribly good-looking. He looks like one of those guys in an adult film who would describe his work as ‘tasteful.'” – David Letterman
“He looks like one of those guys at the health club that would snap you with his towel.” – David Letterman
“President Obama was busy holding two fundraisers in D.C. last night. During one of his speeches, Obama told the crowd, ‘We can’t be afraid of the future.’ Most Americans agree with him, mainly because they are so busy being afraid of the present.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama said, ‘We can’t be afraid of the future.’ And Biden was like, ‘What about clowns? Can we be afraid of clowns?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama also said that the key to competing with China is to improve our math and science education. Because right now our G.D.P. is about $13 trillion and China’s is $3 trillion, which means we’re still ahead by, uh — trillions.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the second time since he became president, Barack Obama has slammed Las Vegas by saying, ‘You don’t blow bunch of cash in Vegas.’ Hey, the way government is spending money, I’d rather take the odds in Vegas. Wouldn’t you? At least you might win something!” – Jay Leno
“Actually, what the President said was, ‘If you want to gamble, drive a Toyota.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, more bad news for Toyota. According to CNN, Toyota has known about this brake problem in its Prius cars for some time, but didn’t mention it to people who bought them. What?! Car salesmen lying? I am stunned!” – Jay Leno
“It’s tough out there. Even the Obama store in Washington, D.C., is closing. That’s where they sell T-shirts, hats, and calendars with Obama’s face on them. You can tell they’re Obama calendars. They only go up to 2012.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, we’ve got another one of those videotapes from Osama bin Laden. I mean, they’re coming like once a month now. It’s like you’re in a club. You sign up, you get the whole collection. Time-Life: Osama bin Laden.” – David Letterman
“And in this one, he’s blaming the United States for global warming. Says the United States caused global warming, and by gosh, they better stop global warming. Sounds to me like somebody’s looking for a Nobel Prize, doesn’t it?” – David Letterman
“He’s very ecologically minded. Like, last year, it was documented by the C.I.A. that Osama bin Laden switched to a hybrid camel.” – David Letterman
“Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out pig-to-human lung transplants. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already. I think it’s called John Edwards.” – Jay Leno
