“Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for ‘Up in the Air,’ Jeremy Renner for ‘The Hurt Locker,’ and President Obama for the ‘State of the Union.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It’s not a good idea.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a Goodwill store that’s having an anti-Valentine’s Day donation drive where people can give away clothes that belonged to their exes. I swear. In fact, tonight, I’m wearing one of John Edwards’s old suits.” – Jimmy Fallon
