“John McCain’s wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain – well, he’s still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.” – Jay Leno
“As I’m sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. There’s a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, John Edwards said today he’s going to help raise the little girl. He said he’s looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products.” – Jay Leno
“And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn’t that amazing? He’s got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It’s the other way. He seems to be very confused.” – Jay Leno
“Well, this is kind of embarrassing. At a speech to school kids in an elementary school in Virginia, President Obama used the teleprompter. He had a teleprompter set up to talk to the kids. The topic of the speech: Never taking the easy way out by bringing a cheat sheet to school.” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They’re going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he’s always, like, two weeks late.” – Jay Leno
“It’s Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff’s birthday today and he celebrated, spent the entire day waving to Sarah Palin.” – David Letterman
“Ysterday President Obama met with a group of mayors at the White House and he told them he was glad not to be running a city during this recession. Yeah, it’s all part of Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Sucks to be you, bitches!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama was focused on bringing tough new regulations to banks. He said ‘If these folks want a fight, that’s a fight I’m ready to have.’ This explains why when President Obama tried to use an ATM today, it just spit out a receipt that said ‘F U.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They’re having the auto show in Detroit. They’ve got a lot of concept vehicles. They have something they’re calling the NBC concept car. Are you familiar with this? You push a button or throw a switch or something and the wheels come off.” – David Letterman
“You guys following the big health fight? It’s not going well for the Democrats at all. Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the House doesn’t have enough votes to pass the Senate’s bill. A few more elections and the House won’t have Nancy Pelosi either.” – Jimmy Fallon
