“The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck. Did you hear his bio? For God’s sakes, the guy sounds like a fictional character in some racy David E. Kelly show about politics. Tonight on an all new ‘Mass Appeal’: Senator McDangly exercises his pocket veto.” – Jon Stewart
“Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f*ck he wanted.” – Jon Stewart
“Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, ‘We’ve spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven’t been able to talk about how great the bill is over all.’ Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, ‘Not that great.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” – Jon Stewart
“The FBI has released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden looks like now. You know, he’s aged. It’s been, like, nine years. So the FBI puts out a sketch so we can get an idea what he looks like nine years older. And I said, ‘Why don’t we put out a sketch of what he looks like when he’s captured?'” – David Letterman
“There are much more important things going on in the world. The U.S. government, did you hear this, has digitally updated their file photo of Osama bin Laden? They have given him thinner hair and a greyer beard. Yeah. And also just for the fun of it, they gave him a tramp stamp.” – Conan O’Brien
“One of Osama bin Laden’s sons has written a book. And remember how excited we all were when we captured Osama bin Laden? Oh yeah, that didn’t happen.” – David Letterman
“Anyway, one of his kids has written a book. And he said his father was a cruel parent. For example, he made the kid wait until he was 18 years old before he let him blow up his first car.” – David Letterman
“On Friday, the FBI unveiled a massive Times Square billboard with a rotating display of the most-wanted criminals in the U.S. It’s all part of a new FBI plan called ‘distract tourists while they have their wallets stolen.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he’s been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?” – Jay Leno
“A new poll by TripAdvisor found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. Second-worst airplane passengers? Terrorists. ‘Ma’am, can you tell your baby to be quiet? I have an underwear bomb I have to focus up on.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Do you remember Chemical Ali? He’s been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he’s been sentenced to death. He’s very confused. He hasn’t decided what to order for his fourth last meal.” – David Letterman
“People are worried about NBC. Earlier today, President Obama announced that he’s sending in 30,000 troops. Out to Burbank.” – David Letterman
“According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that’s a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let’s appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that’ll work.” – Jay Leno
“The White House issued a statement today. They’re blaming government inefficiencies — this is true — they’re blaming it on old computers. Apparently, all the computers keep crashing. And everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners.” – Craig Ferguson
“The White House said it’s replacing any technology that’s obsolete, broken down and causes problems. Desktops, laptops, Joe Biden: It’s all going out.” – Craig Ferguson
“First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t let her daughters watch the show ‘Jersey Shore.’ When asked why, the First Lady said, ‘Because I love my children.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia’s school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care. And they didn’t.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During Malia’s recital, Obama was so proud. He kept turning to other parents saying, ‘That’s my daughter up there.’ And the other parents were like, ‘You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service? Yeah, we got it. We know who your daughter is.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is very sweet. President Obama threw Michelle a surprise birthday party on Saturday night, which is why all week long, Joe Biden was like: ‘Hi, Michelle. Nothing new going on here. No secrets being kept, surprises being planned. Certainly no surprise parties. What?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents.” – Jay Leno
“They have built now, robotic women. They’re anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president.” – David Letterman
“There’s a new book out that says Sarah Palin was an ignoramus who believes Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. And I thought, well, no, that’s George Bush. Wasn’t that George Bush?” – David Letterman
“I read that a year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, ‘Yeah, technically that is change.'” – Jimmy Fallon
