“Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin has signed on to become a Fox News correspondent. And in a related story, John McCain just picked up an endorsement deal to be a spokesman for the SCOOTER Store.” – Jay Leno
“There’s a new book out about the most recent U.S. presidential campaign. In the book, it says Sarah Palin was unprepared to be vice president. And I thought, boy, you think you know somebody.” – David Letterman
“Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday — after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ Sources say they have not seen Bill O’Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Well, a lot of people don’t like these airport body scanners. They say they don’t like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It’s no picnic for the security people either.” – Jay Leno
“The government issued a statement this week saying most people aren’t complaining about the full-body scanners. See, the government always says that. Every time there’s another intrusion into our privacy, they say most people aren’t complaining. Well, of course, most people aren’t complaining. You know what happens when you complain at airport security? You get a colonoscopy and wind up on a terrorist watch list.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters — 83 percent — want me to stay at 11:35. And here’s the interesting part. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, ‘How can I get NBC to screw me over?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They’re now calling it another NBC.” – Jay Leno
“Well, it’s growing more and more likely that California will legalize marijuana. You mean it’s not already legal?” – Jay Leno
“You know what that means? One day in California, you could be buying legalized marijuana at a Wal-Mart from a cashier who’s not even legal.” – Jay Leno
“A new report says that one year after President Obama took office, 40 percent of top positions in his administration have yet to be filled. George Bush actually filled 62 percent of top positions during his first year, and Bill Clinton filled all the top positions and even some of the weird sideways ones.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new study finds that the increase of obesity in the United States is starting to slow, mainly because so many Americans are already fat.” – Jimmy Fallon
