“Of course, the really big news is Conan O’Brien said in a written statement that he will not do ‘The Tonight Show’ after Jay Leno. I think. But then he also said he wants to make ‘The Tonight Show’ the best it can be, which means he didn’t quit. I think. I don’t know. I have no idea. I’m sure the lawyers will figure that out. Actually, I can think of a much better solution than the lawyers. Here’s what I think we should do here — government bailout money. It worked with Wall Street. Why doesn’t Congress give NBC money to make more late night shows? That would solve everything.” – Craig Ferguson
“But for now, it looks like Jay’s back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? ‘Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a ‘light-skinned’ African-American ‘with no negro dialect.’ See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader.” – Jay Leno
“But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has ‘nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.’ So it all worked out.” – Jay Leno
“The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, is in the news. He’s still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama’s blackness. Sources say he could face Congressional censure or, even worse, be promised ‘The Tonight Show’ at 11:30.” – Conan O’Brien
“And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC.” – David Letterman
“Have you seen him on the news? Harry Reid is apologizing more than NBC affiliates.” – Jay Leno
“He is not the only one. Impeached Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, what a moron this guy is. He’s in trouble after saying he’s ‘blacker than Barack Obama.’ Barack Obama? He’s not even blacker than Sammy Sosa.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they’re going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the ‘American Idol’ show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name.” – David Letterman
“There’s a new book. Sarah Palin said that on the campaign tour sometimes, she was glassy-eyed and out of it. You know, like NBC executives.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.'” – David Letterman
“Earlier tonight, Sarah Palin appeared on ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ with Bill O’Reilly. Talk about a bridge to nowhere.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage, which means the New Jersey Senate was like, ‘Gay people getting married? What are you, like, high? No? Well, let’s get high then.'” – Jimmy Fallon
