“It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.” – Craig Ferguson
“Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they’re fair and unbalanced.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin just signed on to be a contributor to the Fox News Channel. She chose the job after carefully weighing her other option, just going away.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News. I can see that coming from my house.” – David Letterman
“Some critics are saying that Palin won’t last on Fox because she’s an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It’s working great for Glenn Beck, so she’ll be fine.” – Craig Ferguson
“Speaking of Sarah Palin, I was watching ’60 Minutes’ last night and a former McCain campaign aide said that when Palin found out she would become John McCain’s running mate, she said, ‘It’s God’s plan,’ to which God responded, ‘What? Really? Don’t bring me into this.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“One of John McCain’s former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was ‘God’s plan.’ So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.” – Jay Leno
“Listen to this. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said ‘we are on the verge’ of guaranteeing Americans health insurance ‘whether they lose their job, change jobs, move or get sick,’ which means Jay, Conan and I are going to be just fine. So don’t worry.” – Jimmy Fallon
“As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They’re talking about bringing back ‘All in the Family’, with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker.” – Jay Leno
“Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don’t think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, ‘I hope this doesn’t leave a black mark on my record.'” – Jay Leno
“Cold down in Washington, D.C. It was so cold today that Senator Harry Reid actually enjoyed being in hot water.” – David Letterman
“Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, you know what he said? That there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush Administration. Well you know, that would be great if it was true. And apparently, the Mayor misspoke. He forgot about the attack of 9/11. Yeah, forgot about that one. Forgot about the shoe bomber, there was another one. Forgot about Dick Cheney duck hunting.” – David Letterman
“The White House said they’re working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat’s milk.” – Jay Leno
“And on Friday, the White House announced that President Obama’s State of the Union address scheduled for next month will not air on the same night as the premiere of ‘Lost’ on ABC. Well, they did that because they thought viewers might get confused. See, lost is also the State of the Union: Lost jobs; lost wage; lost houses; lost businesses. So, the two — you can get them mixed up.” – Jay Leno
“A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he’s a big guy but it’s not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That’s just rude.” – Jimmy Fallon
