“How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn’t flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. … I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic.” – David Letterman
“Legal experts are saying, if he’s convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he’ll be known as the underwear bomber.” – Conan O’Brien
“They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the job, ‘Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.'” – David Letterman
“Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.” – David Letterman
“Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush’s bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, ‘Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from ‘Magnum P.I.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, ‘the new owner is coming for a visit.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man’s insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve … lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it’s six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess ‘OMB’ stands for the ‘Office of Managing the Boo-tay.’ Heeey!” – Jon Stewart
“Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being ‘wantonly and freakishly imposed.’ Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?” – Stephen Colbert
“Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It’s like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they’re auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually.” – David Letterman
“There’s a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody’s said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, I don’t think there’s any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you’re in first place. So we’re fine.” – Jay Leno
