“Well, the story about the 23-year-old Nigerian man, who put the explosives in his underpants still continues to dominate the news. Boy that shows you how time can change, you know? When I was 23, the only thing I ever put in my underpants was a rolled up sock.” – Jay Leno
“I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden’s dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden.” – David Letterman
“According to TMZ, Joan Rivers was detained by airport security in Costa Rica because her married name was Joan Rosenberg, on her passport, and they wouldn’t let her leave. See, they’re very vigilant down there in Costa Rica, you know? Maybe we can try that here in this country sometime.” – Jay Leno
“Joan Rivers was reportedly very angry on Sunday because she was detained at an airport by airline security. She was detained at the airport because her passport photo was taken ten faces ago.” – Craig Ferguson
“On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she’s against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations to President Obama on becoming an uncle. His brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, and his wife just had a son in Oregon. Or so they claim. Lou Dobbs is demanding to see the birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The child’s name is Austin Robinson. Next week, he’ll go before the Senate, and if they confirm him, he becomes the official nephew of President Obama.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They have an interesting tradition in the Obama family. Every new baby born into the Obama family is baptized by Oprah in a 24-karat gold tub full of angel tears.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” – Jay Leno
“After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.” – Jay Leno
“The religious right is upset over transgender Cabinet appointee Amanda Simpson, saying Obama picked her as part of the ‘transsexual agenda.’ so, I’m pretty sure ‘get appointed to the Cabinet’ is the second goal on the transsexual agenda, right after ‘swap out genitalia.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Oh, and Mitt Romney was on ‘Fox and Friends.’ He talked about his plan to run for president in 2012. It could be Mitt Romney versus Sarah Palin, which would be quite a matchup. I mean, one is a former governor obsessed with looks and hair. And the other, of course, is from Alaska.” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.” – Conan O’Brien
“The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common.” – Jay Leno
“An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'” – Jay Leno
