“Good to see everybody. You know, it is good to be back. We were off for Christmas, and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security.” – Jay Leno
“I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that’s how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system.” – Jay Leno
“How about this 23-year-old kid from Nigeria? Goes to Yemen and he’s flying to Detroit, and he wants to blow the plane up. He sets his underpants on fire. And thank God the passengers on the plane subdue the guy. They secure him, they tie him up and they move him to first class. Are we sending the right message there, really?” – David Letterman
“He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn’t go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that ‘a wardrobe malfunction.'” – Jay Leno
“Even if the bomb works, there’s going to be 72 very disappointed virgins.” – Jon Stewart
“And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They’re saying, ‘Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.’ And I’m telling you, this guy paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?” – David Letterman
“After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. See, that’s how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you’re a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, ‘My kid is an idiot,’ ooh, you can go anywhere you want.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, how about this? Rush Limbaugh, there’s a big boy. He was also in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, oh he is just trying to get some of those painkillers. That’s what he is doing.” – David Letterman
“Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries.” – Jay Leno
“You guys hear this? Rush Limbaugh was released from a hospital in Hawaii two days after suffering from chest pains. He’s fine. Doctors say they don’t know what caused it, but it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh’s chest pains. But if you’re Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy’s getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things.” – Jay Leno
“But here’s how it works. Here’s the official line of succession in control of the Republican Party. If Rush Limbaugh is disabled in any way, then control of the party is passed to Glenn Beck. That’s the line of succession.” – David Letterman
“Here’s good news. Isn’t it about time we had a little good news? Our good friend Regis Philbin had hip replacement surgery. He’s back on the job. That means only ten million unemployed people to go.” –David Letterman
“President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of ‘Avatar.’ There was an awkward moment when one of Obama’s daughters leaned over to him and whispered, ‘Now, that’s how you spend half a billion dollars.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you go and see the ‘Avatar’ movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They’d like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D.” – Craig Ferguson
“Has everybody here seen ‘Avatar?’ Great movie, wasn’t it? Even President Obama took his family to see it at a private screening in Hawaii. After the movie, Obama was like, ‘So that’s what it’s like when something lives up to its hype.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don’t want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“Everyone’s back from vacation today. In Washington, President Obama returned to the Oval Office after spending the holidays in Hawaii. And Joe Biden returned after spending the holidays on his home planet.'” – Craig Ferguson
