“In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren’t backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, ‘Don’t think we’re not keeping score, brother.’ Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Fox News yesterday, White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn’t ‘given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen.’ Wow, in one year we’ve gone from ‘Yes we can!’ to ‘We haven’t totally given up.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Glenn Beck is on the show tonight. I can’t believe he took the time out from the U.N. climate conference to be here.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it’s called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.” – Jay Leno
“Barack Obama’s approval rating is down to 44 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that. The poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don’t even want to be seen with him.” – David Letterman
“A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.” – David Letterman
“I read that Washington, D.C. is gonna get a ton of snow this weekend. If it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can’t get anything done — you know, sort of like when it’s not snowing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a ‘McCain for President’ visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate’s name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit.” – Seth Meyers
“It’s freezing in D.C. In fact, today, Sasha and Malia had to help Biden get his tongue unstuck from the flag pole. They were like, ‘We shouldn’t have dared him to do that.'” – Jimmy Fallon
