“How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they’re going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they’re being invited somewhere.” – David Letterman
“Hey, remember that incident last week with the uninvited guests sneaking into the White House? Well, three Secret Service officers have now been put on administrative leave after that security breach. But you know something? The White House should have seen this coming. You know what those three guys were doing before White House security? Border guards. Yeah, so, they should have known.” – Jay Leno
“But I mean honestly, you can’t blame the Salahis for going where they’re not invited. I mean, isn’t that our foreign policy?” – David Letterman
“Hey, the ‘Today’ show was live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan’s number one morning show, ‘Good Morning and Death to America.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA’s controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We’ve got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis.” – Jay Leno
“According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been slipping into Afghanistan. He likes to go into Afghanistan, do a little shopping, see a couple of shows, have dinner and then he goes home.” – David Letterman
“You know, the global warming? They’re having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it’s being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they’re able to move the global warming conference outdoors.” – David Letterman
“And tomorrow at the global warming conference, a Martian shows up in Copenhagen to issue the Earth a dire warning.” – David Letterman
“But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That’s going to cool things off a little bit.” – David Letterman
“And Sarah Palin’s book, ‘Going Rogue,’ number one on the New York Times best-sellers. Well, sadly, Sarah Palin will never know that because, as you know, she does not read The New York Times.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday — did you hear about this? You know who Sarah Palin is? She’s at a book signing and somebody heaves a tomato at her. That’s not good, but at least finally she and I have something in common.” – David Letterman
“And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He’s writing his memoirs. He’s not writing it himself. He’s using a ghost moron to help him.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC.” – Conan O’Brien
“Oh, and some crime news in Chicago. Burglars broke into the office of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Well, here’s the amazing part. Prosecutors said there was still less criminal activity than when Blagojevich was there.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier tonight, ABC aired ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Finally aired it. It was, you know, that warm, entertaining Christmas special. It was supposed to be on last week, but it was postponed for the president’s speech, which turned out not so warm or entertaining.” – Craig Ferguson
“A lot of people were upset when the president postponed the Charlie Brown special. Obama himself had to deal with some tantrums when he got home. He had to give Joe Biden a timeout.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It’s a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804.” – Jay Leno
