“Well, let’s see. I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.” – Jay Leno
“It’s been reported that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC’s new shows, ‘Afghanistan’s Got Talent,’ ‘Law & Order: Kabul,’ and ‘The Tonight Show With Hamid O’Karzai.'” – Conan O’Brien
“This week, America’s last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan.” – Jay Leno
“Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama’s face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, how is this for nerve? That White House party-crashing couple refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. Unbelievable. The one thing they actually get invited to, they don’t show up.” – Jay Leno
“Well, here’s a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, ‘I hate Christmas,’ and drove off. Here’s my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?” – Jay Leno
