“Hey, President Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? Meanwhile, right now at an Arizona senior citizens center, John McCain is screaming, ‘Bingo!'” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to President Barack Obama. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. Very exciting. Hang on now. Don’t get too excited. He hasn’t actually collected it yet. Let’s see if he can follow through on this. He went to Europe for the Olympic thing. That was a sure thing, too. So, let’s just wait a minute.” – Jay Leno
“When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize, all right?” – David Letterman
“Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So, congratulations, Michelle Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you know who was the runner up for the Peace Prize? Oakland Raiders defense. They are true pacifists.” – Jay Leno
“Now, it was announced today they gave the Nobel Prize in economics to two American economists. Really, we have economists? Where the hell they been the last five years? We don’t even have an economy. How can we win that?” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, in honor of Columbus Day, Dick Cheney’s cholesterol was 1492.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not placed by Christmas, to which people in both nations said, ‘Um, what’s Christmas?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congress is now proposing to give everyone who has a baby $500. Oh yeah, great! Let’s make these NBA players even richer.” –Jay Leno
“The Chicago Cubs declared bankruptcy today, a move that they say will help them sell the team. It’s part of the new ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news — when they do break your legs, there’s a good chance you’re covered now.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.” – David Letterman
“This weekend in Washington, D.C., there was a huge gay rights rally. And one of the most popular chants was, ‘Hey, Obama, let mama marry mama.’ Historians are calling this the best gay rights chant since ‘Hey, Dwight D. Eisenhower, let Mike and Steve share a shower.'” – Conan O’Brien
“How awful is this? Police arrested a 30-year-old, Bountiful, Utah, man for fondling the nurse who was helping to deliver his baby. Move over John Edwards. We have a new nominee for husband of the year.” –Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I’m like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for ‘American Idol.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ It’s part of Trump’s plan to make his own hair look normal.” – Jimmy Fallon
