“Hey, how about this? President Obama goes to Denmark and he’s trying to get the 2016 Olympics for the great city of Chicago. And he presented his case in a heartfelt manner but they weren’t buying it. And boy, do I know what that feels like.” – David Letterman
“According to the latest Gallup poll, the group President Obama is most popular with — you know who it is? Obama is most popular with the Jewish community. The group he’s least popular with — International Olympic Committees.” – Jay Leno
“As you know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch. The international committee voted. Chicago finished last, dead last. Well, I guess the committee thought Chicago already had enough amateur athletes with the White Sox and the Cubs.” – Jay Leno
“You know what the mistake was? We shouldn’t have sent President Obama over there to get the votes. We should have sent Acorn. It would have been a landslide. We would have gotten all the votes, thousands of votes.” – Jay Leno
“You know what the saddest part is about Chicago not getting the 2016 Olympics? Former Governor Rod Blagojevich already sold 10 free seats for 100 grand apiece to the opening ceremony.” – Jay Leno
“I was sad to see Chicago lose it. Because they had a great mascot. It was Loafy, the 5-pound pork sandwich with legs.” – Jay Leno
“It’s a great day for America because three Americans were awarded the Nobel prize for medicine today. Take that, Brazil! Brazil got the 2016 Olympics.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today, at the White House, President Obama met with a group of doctors from every state in the union to press his case for health care reform. It was the biggest gatherings of doctors, I guess, since Dick Cheney had his last staff meeting.” – Jay Leno
“And starting today, we get the swine flu vaccination. Doctors are set to receive the vaccination first, because they’re the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor.” – Craig Ferguson
“At the box office this weekend, the movie ‘Zombieland’ was No. 1. It beat Michael Moore’s new documentary. ‘Zombieland’ and the Michael Moore movie are very different, of course. One has a disgusting, lumbering monster that eats everything in its path, and the other one has zombies.” – Craig Ferguson
“Well, congratulations. The Obamas celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this past week. The paper said this is the first wedding anniversary Obama is celebrating in the White House. Sadly, it’s also the first thing the Obamas have to celebrate since they’ve been in the White House.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama celebrated his 17th wedding anniversary. Isn’t that nice? The President celebrated by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner with just his wife and Oprah.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you hear about this? Over the weekend, they came up with proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quiet.” – David Letterman
“Hey, listen to this. According to reports from the Daily Telegraph, Iranian President Mahmoud Amedinejad is part Jewish. He has Jewish ancestry. Well, this is great. You know, he’s anti-Semitic. Now he can just kill himself.” – Jay Leno
“Ahmadinejad won’t be talking about it. He’s referring all questions to Rubenstein Communications.” – David Letterman
“Well, the latest job numbers are out. The bad news is we have the worst unemployment in 26 years. The good news, that unemployment also includes Jon from ‘Jon & Kate.'” – Jay Leno
“Governor Schwarzenegger said if he comes back to California, there should be no special treatment for Roman Polanski. I think that’s what he said. It was that or ‘I’m going to Japan to ski.’ I don’t know what he said.” – Jay Leno
“And Sarah Palin’s new book comes out Nov. 17. A lot of people are surprised they paid Sarah Palin to write a book. Hey, they paid Tom DeLay to dance. Why not pay her to write a book?” – Jay Leno
“Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, ‘Bush wasn’t dumb.’ In fact, as we speak, that quote’s being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library.” – Conan O’Brien
