“Sarah Palin went to Hong Kong, delivered a speech last week. And we’re learning more and more about the speech that she delivered there. Palin says China needs to deal with its ethics problems. Well, I bet that got a nice laugh.” – David Letterman
“She was paid $300,000 to go over there and speak in Hong Kong. Apparently she could see the money from her house.” – David Letterman
“Well, the FBI has arrested a suspected al Qaeda terrorist and his dad. Did you hear about this? This guy was plotting terrorist attacks with his father. Even Mackenzie Phillips is going, ‘Ooh! That’s bad.'” – Jay Leno
“No, it seems one of these terror suspects gave himself away when he bought an unusually high quantity of hydrogen peroxide at a beauty supply store. Peroxide is used in explosives and also used, you know, for hair highlights. The guy tried to avoid suspicion as a man buying tons of highlights by giving the name Ryan Seacrest.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, he got caught because of the shampoo he bought. It was this: ‘Jihad, Your Hair Smells Terrific.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, the ‘New York Daily News’ is reporting that John Edwards’ former aide, Andrew Young, is now saying Edwards had affairs with many other women on the campaign trail. This sounds like the same trail Governor Mark Sanford was supposed to be hiking on.” – Jay Leno
“To give you an idea how much Edwards was fooling around, it turns out half the babies he kissed on the campaign trail were his.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s a story. And it’s about time. Director Roman Polanski, they finally get this guy. They arrest him in Switzerland. And I was thinking well, you know, great, I’m glad they got Polanski but what about bin Laden?” – David Letterman
“This is the best news I’ve heard in a long time. The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They’re going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award.” – David Letterman
“Today’s Yom Kippur and what that means is down in Houston earlier today former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking for Easter eggs.” – David Letterman
“You heard about this? Yesterday, Iran fires a missile. Not only that, but Iran is now testing a talk show at 10:00 p.m.” – David Letterman
“Did you hear about fantasy football? Detroit Lions won. Detroit Lions beat the Washington Redskins 19-14, snapping their 19-game losing streak. Do you believe that? Detroit owning Washington. There’s a change.” – Jay Leno
