Political Irony

“President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, ‘I’d like to encourage you to do some shopping while you’re here.’ I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.” – Conan O’Brien

“And yesterday at the United Nations, President Barack Obama told the world, ‘Don’t expect America to fix all your problems.’ Hey, hey, what happened to ‘Yes we can?'” – Jay Leno

“Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi also spoke at the U.N. Very exciting. This guy, for some reason, is getting very popular. As a matter of fact, this weekend, he’s going to be the musical guest on ‘Saturday Night Live.'” – David Letterman

“While he’s in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Qaddafii gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985.” – Conan O’Brien

“And then they had the madman hour yesterday afternoon. And it was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and he gave a speech to the U.N. He said he hated the US, said he hated Israel, and he hated that dumb pedestrian mall on Broadway. But Ahmadinejad did say if Iran is given access to uranium, he promises not to make weapons. And I said, ‘Well, that’s good enough for me.'” – David Letterman

“In Qadaffi’s rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative cousin.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know about Qaddafi living in his tent? You know this whole wacky story? After residents complained, Qaddafi had to dismantle his tent he was living in outside of New York City, in Bedford, New York. You know, say what you want about Qaddafi, but don’t you wish your relatives, when they came, would stay in a tent on the front lawn?” – Jay Leno

“And did you see the pictures of the tent in Trump’s backyard? The tent is an ingenious design. It’s supported by a rather intricate architectural network and foundation of fiberglass poles. It’s the same thing that supports the deal on Donald Trump’s head.” – David Letterman

“You know, it was fun at the beginning of the week when we had all of the world leaders here in New York City visiting the U.N. for the big grand opening of the U.N. It was fun for a while but now we are sick of them and want them to go home. Traffic is insane. You can’t get anywhere. And Qaddafi with that stretch camel, who’s he kidding?” – David Letterman

“It’s fall here in New York. It’s cool, getting dark earlier. The temperature’s dropping. The leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn’t changed is Qaddafi is still talking at the U.N.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But President Obama, God bless the guy, has been very busy. Yesterday, he actually headed up a meeting of the U.N. Security Council. Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain called a waitress ‘Toots.'” – David Letterman

“Did you hear President Obama’s speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It’s nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn’t it?” – David Letterman

“Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, you know the safest place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can.” – Jay Leno

“Well, according to the FBI, terrorists may be targeting sporting events here in the United States and people attending games are being told keep an eye out for anybody looking suspicious or anybody who looks like they might be a threat. Well, what do you do at an Oakland Raiders game? That’s everybody.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, and that Colorado man that’s arrested for lying to the FBI and having links to al Qaeda, well, they got him on an additional charge. Planning to use weapons of mass destruction. He reportedly purchased bomb-making ingredients from a beauty supply store. Did you hear his defense today? He said, ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.'” – Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, Manuel Zelaya, the recently deposed president of Honduras, he’s holed up with supporters who don’t bathe, eat only rice and beans and one guy who hasn’t changed his Che Guevara T-shirt in days. So apparently, Manuel Zelaya is holed up in my freshman dorm room.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter.” – Jay Leno

“Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you’re probably fine.” – Conan O’Brien

“And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we’re just another piece of crap on eBay.” – Jay Leno

“This week, Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owners’ manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota.” – Conan O’Brien