“This guy Max Baucus comes out with this bill, it’s everything you would want in a reform bill, except, you know, reform. It is a watered-down, ineffectual blow job to the health insurance industry. No public option, could cost the middle class a lot more, encourages employers to drop coverage. Insurance companies can charge whatever they want. I’m going to start going to town halls and screaming now.” – Bill Maher
“Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and … would fine people if you didn’t get it. And if you didn’t pay the fine, you’d go to jail. But the good news is, once you’re in jail, free health care!” – Jay Leno
“After all the wooing of the Republicans, no Republican support. Nobody on the Republican side is backing this thing. So the Democrats are trying to bring the Republicans over there. They have a plan. They want to do the thing the Republicans want, curb medical malpractice. They have a little deal. If the Democrats agree to protect doctors from frivolous lawsuits, Republicans will agree to sue the ones who did Tori Spelling’s tits.” – Bill Maher
“Speaking of fake tits, Carrie Prejean. You know Carrie, the almost-Miss California. She spoke today at the Values Voters Summit. They have great speakers, like crazy Michele Bachmann is there this year, John Boehner, the unemployed Baldwin brother, token black guy and for that segment of the Republican party that finds Sarah Palin too intellectual, they got Carrie Prejean to speak this year. She said, God chose her to give that answer at the pageant against gay marriage. You know what, Carrie, if God is really that interested in what goes on at beauty pageants, he’s gay.” – Bill Maher
“Right now in Washington, D.C., they’re holding something called the Values Voters Summit. This is a gathering of conservative activists at the Omni Hotel. During the day, they get together and talk about values and politics, and then at night, they sneak hookers up to their hotel rooms. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s been a very tense week, especially in Washington. In fact, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got all choked up yesterday when she talked about how mean-spirited the debate on health care had become. She was so upset, she spent an hour trying to arrange her face into a frown.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President Clinton is sponsoring a conference called the Clinton Global Initiative. It’s going to be attended by Alicia Keys, Demi Moore, Mira Sorvino and supermodel Molly Simms. It’s in the paper, yeah, that’s true. Apparently he’s calling it the Clinton Global Initiative, ’cause it sounds better than the ‘Bill Clinton Dream Five-Way.’ That didn’t look good on the stationery.” – Conan O’Brien
“Busy weekend for the president. This Sunday, President Obama is going to appear on five different television shows, did you know that? Five different on Sunday. Even more amazing, on all five shows, he plays the wacky neighbor.” – Conan O’Brien
