“Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America’s schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn’t work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid.” – Conan O’Brien
“The President also said that kids — he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, ‘But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama addressed the United States schoolchildren. He had like a speech and it went right to the classes and the kids. Then I thought, wait a minute. He might be trying a little too hard. You know what I’m talking about? At the end he invited all the kids to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman
“President Obama told them, this is a quote, ‘Be careful what you post on Facebook.’ That’s what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien
“A lot of people were upset. They said that Obama was going to get in there in the schoolrooms and start brainwashing the kids. At first I was skeptical. But I was talking to my son after he came home from school today. Honest to God, he said, ‘Must have socialized medicine.'” – David Letterman
“Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history — he was asked this — he said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi. That’s right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, very good answer. Yeah. Yeah, Obama says he picked Gandhi because he’d get to eat two entrees.” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don’t think so.” – David Letterman
“During his speech to American school children earlier today, President Obama said that what you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. But no pressure.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The President also told the kids that sleep is very important because it helps the development of the brain. Sleep very important. That’s what the President said. He told the kids sleep is so important that they should go to bed right after Jay.” – David Letterman
“Some Republicans were so mad about Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker.” – Craig Ferguson
“There’s a rumor that Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney, may run for president in 2012. 2012. No, no. That’s his cholesterol.” – David Letterman
“They said to Dick Cheney, really, seriously, why would you think about after eight years as Vice President, why would you think about running for president? Cheney said, ‘Well, I still get a kick out of starting wars.'” – David Letterman
“I remember when the Obamas first moved in and the Bush girls were giving the Obama girls a tour of the White House. And the little girls got scared because they heard the organ music coming from Dick Cheney’s underground dungeon.” – David Letterman
“Labor Day is the great American holiday where we honor American workers by going out and buying products made in China.” – David Letterman
“Former President Bush learned a great deal, a lot of things from Tony Blair. Cheeky. He learned about cheeky. He learned the word fortnight. Learned bangers and mash. And Blair learned some things from George W. Bush: Oops. Uh-oh. Dang.” – David Letterman
