Political Irony

“The swine flu just is bad. And everybody’s worried about it. As a matter of fact, former Vice President Dick Cheney is so concerned about swine flu that today he fried his bacon in Purell.” – David Letterman

“A new study from the University of Maryland finds that swine flu easily overtakes other strains of the flu. And you know it’s bad when the bird flu is worried about the swine flu.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I like that Cheney. In eight years as Vice President, the only thing we knew about Dick Cheney was he was always in an undisclosed location. That and he shot his buddy in the face.” – David Letterman

“But now, he can’t keep his mouth closed, and he’s talking about he’s really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can’t stand it. He said it’s a huge mistake and we shouldn’t be doing it. And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster.” – David Letterman

“Cheney says that the CIA torture probe is a terrible idea and should never have been authorized. You mean like the war in Iraq? You mean like that, Dick?” – David Letterman

“Hey, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen — Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I’m telling you, the comedy recession is over.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer started work as a professor at New York City College, where he will teach a three-hour long political science class. Last time he did something for three hours, it cost him, like, 15 grand.” – Jimmy Fallon

“He’s talking about running for governor again, although Eliot says he won’t make a decision without consulting his wife. I remember when he used to make quite a few decisions without consulting his wife.” – David Letterman

“It looks like they’re starting to get the wildfires under control. Firefighters in the LA area have been working nonstop all week long. And this morning — this is very nice — this morning, as a reward, Governor Schwarzenegger personally served them breakfast. Unfortunately, due to the California’s budget crisis, he was forced to charge them $12.99 each.” – Conan O’Brien

“Big election scandal in Afghanistan. The loser of the Afghanistan presidential election, a man named Abdullah Abdullah, is claiming that the winner, Hamid Karzai, artificially inflated his number of votes. In response, Karzai is claiming that Abdullah Abdullah artificially inflated his number of Abdullahs.” – Conan O’Brien

“State Department’s conducting a big investigation into a wild party thrown at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan. Of course, in Afghanistan, a wild party is any event where a girl takes her socks off.” – Conan O’Brien

“In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo’s poop is one of the highlights of his day. The interview was published in ‘The Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Elmo from ‘Sesame Street’ is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it.” – Conan O’Brien

“Summer vacation’s sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha’s Vineyard. And now they’re going on another vacation to Camp David. Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program. I think Obama’s getting a little carried away. Now he’s letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children.” – Jimmy Fallon