“Ladies and gentlemen, before I came out here, I got some early results from the Afghanistanian election. And this just in, apparently Al Franken is ahead.” – David Letterman
“You folks excited about the Afghanistan election? Well, don’t get too excited because there’s already reports of irregularities in Broward and Dade County.” – David Letterman
“The current Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, is opposed by the Taliban. You know the Taliban? Over here, the Taliban, we call them healthcare protestors.” – David Letterman
“You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel? I mean, come on.” – David Letterman
“How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he’s playing for the Minnesota Vikings. And it’s not easy. I’m not saying he’s old, but he’s getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel.” – David Letterman
“They did this survey of money down there in Washington, D.C. I’m talking about cash money. And they found that 90% of all of our currency has traces of the drug cocaine on it. Yeah. And I said, ‘Well no wonder Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is so crazy!'” – David Letterman
“Here’s something else came to us from a new survey. You folks like to eat fish? You enjoy seafood? Boy, I do. When they got done testing money in Washington, they tested fish in the United States. And they found out that every single fish in the test contained mercury. Jeremy Piven said, ‘Well who’s laughing now?'” – David Letterman
“But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul’s, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they’ve come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature.” – David Letterman
“Wait a minute, hey. What is this, an audience or a death panel?” – David Letterman
