“I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama’s evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called ‘Why We Need Health Care Reform’ in yesterday’s New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. … Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won’t the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today: ‘Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-exsisting wrist injury.'” -Stephen Colbert
“Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel.” -David Letterman
“Happy birthday to Madonna — 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her.” -David Letterman
“Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let’s get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I’m with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil.” -David Letterman
“And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a ‘CSI’ show.” -David Letterman
“People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to the elderly. Well, you know, it’s the same thing ABC does with Regis.” -David Letterman
“Oh, man, did you see the PGA Championship over the weekend? Tiger Woods never lost a major when he’s been leading, you know, halfway through the dang tournament. And then this kid, Y.E. Yang, comes along and he defeats him. And I felt bad for Tiger. He was upset. He was upset. As a matter of fact, Obama had been watching the contest. He knows that he is upset. So he invited Tiger and Yang to the White House for a beer.” -David Letterman
“Did you see Hillary Clinton? There was videotape of her in Africa at a press conference and somebody asks her something and she gets angry. Did you see that? Well, now they’re talking to her husband, Bill Clinton, and he says that he had not seen the press conference and had not seen the videotape of the press conference. And I’m thinking, I bet this guy’s got a pretty good idea of what Hillary’s like when she’s angry.” -David Letterman
“The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City’s got potholes bigger than that.” -David Letterman
“And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.” -David Letterman
“You know what? It’s the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies.” -David Letterman
“Do you remember the governor of South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford? He told everyone he was going for a hike and in actuality he went to Argentina. Now, his wife says — and you can’t blame her — that she was so curious about the woman that her husband was having the affair with down there in Argentina, that she googled his mistress. And I thought, wait a minute, that’s what got him in trouble, was googling his mistress.” -David Letterman
“Now, here is a statistic that, I don’t know if it means anything — it’s got to mean something — 90% of all paper currency — money, you know — has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money.” -David Letterman
“Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy.” -David Letterman
“On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again.” -David Letterman
