“President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either.” -Jay Leno
“Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash.” -Jay Leno
“The military trial of Osama bin Laden’s driver begins today. Do you know what they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him! How do you catch bin Laden’s driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down under the seat in the back of the car? Didn’t the guy pick him up every day at his house?” -Jay Leno
“Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Here’s one, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Do you remember Senator Larry Craig? Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig. 63 years old on Sunday. So happy birthday. He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls. But if you are going to Larry Craig’s birthday party, it is easy to find the party, just look for the airport men’s room with the balloons” -David Letterman
“Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as ‘a total failure.’ Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, ‘Oh, come on, I’ve hardly spent any time in my office.'” -Conan O’Brien
“John McCain’s economic adviser Phil Gramm has quit the campaign. The official reason: he was a whiner and all his problems were mental.” -Jay Leno
“Experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day.” -Jay Leno
“A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic.” -Jay Leno
“I’ll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita.” -David Letterman
“Well, Nation, you’ve all heard the news. Jesus has returned to earth on a spaceship, cured cancer, and won the British Open. Did no one hear about that? Oh, maybe it’s because Barack Obama decided to go backpacking overseas with a couple of his friends. You probably know his friends by their professional name: The entire media. Yes, they’ve all taken the next 10 days to find themselves on Barack Obama’s Elitist Summer Abroad.” -Stephen Colbert
“So far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama’s plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying, quote, we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal. God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision” -Jon Stewart
