“This is actually a true story. It was in the news today. The latest slang dictionary reports that the word Obama means ‘cool,’ as in ‘you are so Obama.’ Also gaining popularity: the phrase ‘shut your Biden-hole.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence.” – Jimmy Fallon
“First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It’s getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang ‘Ebony and Ivory.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The man who wrote many of the speeches for President George W. Bush is now working on his memoirs. True story. The book will be called ‘Me Do Bad Job.'” – Conan O’Brien
“‘The Washington Post is doing a big story on the 2008 John McCain campaign. And it now says after all this research that he picked Sarah Palin because of a ‘high risk/high reward strategy.’ Apparently, it’s the same reason McCain uses Metamucil.” – Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of Sarah Palin, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd are denying rumors that they’re getting a divorce. When asked about it, Palin said, ‘When have you ever known me to not see something through?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn’t true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn’t bail.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama just announced he’s considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song ‘Michelle’ to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song ‘Taxman’ to Barack.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world’s deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents.” – Jimmy Fallon
