Political Irony

“The President of the United States spent the week talking about America’s most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge police department. Now, if you somehow missed the beginning of this story, let me catch you up. Perhaps the foremost African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Yes, apparently, in America if you’re black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house. Except that it was his house.” – Bill Maher

“What kind of burglar breaks into a house with luggage? That’s what I want to know about. ” – Bill Maher

“And the police officer, Officer Crowley … apparently, he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. And by threatening, of course, he meant he was an educated black man.” – Bill Maher

“So, I don’t know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama said that the Cambridge police ‘acted stupidly’ when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, ‘stupid.’ What he meant was, ‘retarded.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s comforting to know that the men with the guns, Mace, Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn’t it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light.” – Bill Maher

“Today, President Obama spoke to the Massachusetts police officer who arrested the black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. They had a conversation. Yeah. And Obama says the conversation went well, but there was an awkward moment when the cop arrested Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“But it’s all coming out okay, because Obama today spoke to Officer Crowley on the phone. He said he was a good man, a good policeman, and they could find common ground. Although he did find it strange at the end of their conversation that Crowley demanded to see his birth certificate.” – Bill Maher

“More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They’re called ‘birthers.’ They are. The birthers want Obama’s election to be invalidated, which, I’m not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don’t you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Big news up in Alaska. Sarah Palin will formally step down as governor on Sunday, leaving us completely unprotected from the Russians.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin will be stepping down in two days. Unless, of course, she decides to leave early.” – David Letterman

“Palin announced her retirement a couple of weeks ago without exactly saying why. Ordinarily, when you quit a job like this, you give a reason, like, ‘I was just caught in a restroom soliciting gay sex,’ or, ‘I was just caught banging a thousand-dollar hooker,’ or, ‘I was just caught sneaking to Argentina to have sex with my girlfriend’ — oh, wait, that guy didn’t actually resign. But you get the idea.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Governor Palin says she’s leaving office because she wants to spend more time hunting down her escaped son-in-law.” – David Letterman

“Her decision to resign has resulted in an 18-point drop in her approval rating among Americans and a 52-point drop among terrified moose. She says she’s going to divide her time between traveling to support conservative causes and learning to pronounce the ‘G’ at the end of words” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The ratings for President Obama’s press conference Wednesday night were down 14 percent from his last one. So, to try to boost ratings for his next press conference, they’re having his cousin Oliver move into the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. ” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said that since becoming president, he’s gone from praying before bed to praying all the time. And it’s always the same prayer: ‘God, please don’t let Joe Biden say something stupid today. Please.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is crazy. Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested yesterday in a huge money laundering scheme. Investigators knew something didn’t smell right, aside from what normally didn’t smell right in New Jersey.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This August, President Obama is renting a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. It’s amazing. It has a basketball court, swimming pool, apple orchard and a driving range. The president says he can’t wait to shoot hoops, while Michelle looks forward to pulling apple trees out of the ground with her bare hands.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'” – Bill Maher — Here’s the video: