Political Irony

“Oh my God, Barack Obama’s running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here’s how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can’t because you’re a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol’ American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our “fringe” state’s local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright then, kidding. And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here’s where the scam gets tricky; they can’t just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that’s what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It’s almost too easy.” – Jon Stewart

“There’s kind of a silly thing. Remember the All-Star Game last week, President Obama throws out the first pitch and everything seemed to be fine. Then later, people started to criticize what he was wearing. They said he’s wearing, and I never heard this expression, ‘baggie dad jeans.’ And Obama was surprised by the whole thing. He said, ‘Look, they’re not even my baggie dad jeans.’ He apparently borrowed them from Chastity Bono.” – David Letterman

“President Obama was on television earlier tonight. They held a TV conference earlier tonight. It’s nice to see the guy finally getting some air time, I thought.” – David Letterman

“President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It’s time for Oprah to give him a show.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And the White House actually – this is true – rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with ‘America’s Got Talent’. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for ‘Baywatch’ once.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight – 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We’re learning more and more about Obama’s healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that?” – David Letterman

“The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn’t lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he’ll never find it.” – David Letterman

“Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It’s the first real cut of the Obama Administration.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama’s pick for surgeon general. She’s facing criticism for being overweight. I don’t know if Dr. Benjamin’s weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anybody here from Alaska? Sarah Palin, some bad news for Sarah Palin – there’s another report now that she may have violated Alaska’s ethics laws. Like I’m going to say something about that.” – David Letterman

“Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they’ve created – I’m not kidding – a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, ‘Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Economists say the recession getting so bad, it’s driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to ‘You know what? Just take it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions…Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?” – Craig Ferguson

“Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the — wait a minute, that’s their pollution.” – David Letterman

“But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power.” – David Letterman

“Here’s some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy’s main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that’s a full-time gig.” – David Letterman

“The vice president ‘resigned’ and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car.” – David Letterman

“Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki says that when President Bush was in office, they used to have a meeting once a week via video conference. Maliki said the teleconferences always ended the same way, with Bush throwing his joystick down and yelling, ‘This game is boring!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, ‘If there’s one thing Hillary’s good at, it’s making the light go out of your life.'” – Conan O’Brien