Political Irony

“Sonia Sotomayor in the news. She’s testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she ‘felt out of place attending Princeton.’ Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.” – Conan O’Brien

“Have you been watching the confirmation hearings going on down there in Washington, D.C.? Sonia Sotomayor, the hearings, have you been watching those? Good news, the FDA has just approved a new, non-drowsy version of Senator Orrin Hatch. Boy, do we need it now!” – David Letterman

“Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'” – Conan O’Brien

“How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad.” – David Letterman

“Folks see the All-Star Game last night, the baseball All-Star Game? Whew! I thought this was exciting. President Obama threw out the first pitch. Did you see that? Because they were playing in St. Louis at a National League park, he also had to bat. Were you aware of that?” – David Letterman

“Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the baseball All-Star Game last night. And I know the President is busy, but he really needs a personal shopper. Once again, Obama appeared in public in a pair of heavily starched, stonewashed jeans with a big crease down the front of them, as if his mom had ironed them or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But he admitted today that after throwing out the first pitch, his arm was a little sore. And today, Rush Limbaugh offered him some OxyContin.” – David Letterman

“I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the All-Star Game and Obama throwing out the first pitch. New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said he was making out with Kate Hudson.” – David Letterman

“South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn’t that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he’s going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is weird. In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president. Then he said, ‘Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. Yeah. They’re not sure what they’re going to replace it. But anything where you spend ten minutes at the airport going, ‘Wait. Is the orange bad or is the orange good?’ ‘Well oranges are good.’ ‘I don’t like oranges.’ ‘What do you mean you don’t like oranges?’ ‘I don’t like them. I never liked them.’ ‘You don’t like clementines?’ ‘What are clementines?’ ‘They’re like tangerines or something.’ ‘No, tangerines are tangerines. What is a clementine?’ ‘I don’t know, oh wait we missed our flight.’ Terrorists! Terrorists, they do this to us.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend is the 10th anniversary of ‘SpongeBob SquarePants.’ President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones.” – Conan O’Brien