“With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That’s a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he’s giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn’t that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? ‘Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush said in his press conference our nation’s troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think ‘basically screwed’.” -Jay Leno
“Well, you know what’s interesting, McCain has admitted he does not use email or the internet. Yeah. He says he’s never really found the need to use e-mail ’cause if people want to reach him they can just get him on his CB radio.” -Jay Leno
“Listen to this, John McCain has now vowed to capture Osama bin Laden. Well, by God, I’m glad that’s settled.” -David Letterman
“According to a new poll — true story — most voters think Barack Obama has a better smile than John McCain. That’s what they’re saying. They say he has a better smile than John McCain. Yeah, apparently, this is because McCain takes his smile out every night and puts it in a glass of water.” -Conan O’Brien
“Of course, presidential race is on everyone’s mind. Barack Obama works hard the wants to stay in shape. Presidential nominee Barack Obama has been going to the gym. He’s also been playing hours of basketball. Yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers.” -Conan O’Brien
“According to the latest Reuters-Zogby poll, 10% of Americans are giving President Bush’s economic policy the thumbs up. The other 90% [are] using a different finger.” -Jay Leno
“You know, sometimes when President Bush speaks, he does not use the best choice of words. You know? Like, today, he said the financial institutions are basically sound, and you can take that to the bank.” -Jay Leno
“Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don’t want to say the financial situation doesn’t look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands.” -Jay Leno
“See, here’s the part I don’t understand. The feds say federal institutions are in trouble for giving money to those already in debt. That’s the problem. They gave money to those already in debt. So, why are we paying taxes? Who’s more in debt than the government? What, are they $9 trillion in debt? We’re giving them more money? We’re enablers. We need to stop this.” -Jay Leno
“Oil prices have dropped again, making it the third day in a row. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell the guy who owns the gas station near my house. Analysts say they’re not sure why oil prices are falling. But, today, Dick Cheney vowed to get to the bottom of this. Heads will roll!” -Jay Leno
