Political Irony

“Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat.” – Conan O’Brien

“They began the confirmation hearings down in Washington for a new Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor. Anybody see it? Something always goes haywire. The hearings for the confirmation were delayed until security could quiet down all of the Chuck Schumer groupies.” – David Letterman

“People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up.” – Conan O’Brien

“But Sonia Sotomayor is in for a couple hours of intense grilling, you know, like me when I get home late.” – David Letterman

“But if you’re interested in the confirmation hearings, you can watch them live on C-SPAN Dos.” – David Letterman

“President Obama has another nominee in the news. That’s right. President Obama’s nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s cute.’ But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig.” – David Letterman

“California lawmakers still trying to close the state’s massive budget deficit, so they’re now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol.” – Conan O’Brien

“So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA — and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret — and he goes to the CIA, and he says, ‘Boys, this will just be between you and me. We’re going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don’t tell Congress.’ Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, ‘Gosh, that doesn’t sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'” – David Letterman

“They tried to get a hold of Cheney for comment, but his staff said, ‘No, no, you can’t talk to Cheney. He’s taking a hike on the Appalachian Trail.'” –David Letterman

“Very secret operation, went on for eight years. Nobody knew anything about it. The only thing they knew was that it was called ‘Operation Hunting Accident.'” – David Letterman

“Beautiful weather here in New York City. Sunny, beautiful, sunny, clear day. It was so bright and sunny, you could even see what Dick Cheney was up to.” – David Letterman

“Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin said when she leaves the governor’s office at the end of the month, she’s open to campaigning for some Democrats. Well, that’s great news for Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush’s certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience.” – Jon Stewart

“Yeah, I guess you could stay in your job and overcome the distractions and difficulties that have come from your national candidacy, but that’s what dead quitty fish would do. And you’re no dead quitty fish! You are leaving the water, and living on land, like smart fish! You’re quitting.” – Jon Stewart

“Take it from a guy who’s quit a lot of jobs. You’re quitting. I’ve done the whole ‘dead fish’ thing myself. ‘Hey, f*ck this bakery! I’m no dead fish! I’m outta here.'” – Jon Stewart

“There is a new Osama bin Laden tape. And people say, ‘Well, is it a new tape?’ Yes. They verified it, it’s a new audiotape because in it, he says he doesn’t think that ‘Bruno’ is as funny as ‘Borat.'” – David Letterman

“The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it’s defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, ‘Hey, if there’s one thing we know how to build, it’s a wall.'” – Conan O’Brien