“Here’s a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I’m kind of afraid to say anything.” – David Letterman
“Have you been following what’s going on in Iran? Oh, it’s crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn’t ruin the swinging Iranian night life.” – David Letterman
“Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, ‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.'” – David Letterman
“And the leader of Iran’s opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he’s ready to become a martyr. Don’t kid yourselves. It’s tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you’re only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops.” – David Letterman
“The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the U.S.S. John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.” – Conan O’Brien
“The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you know anything about this swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? He’s in jail now and they haven’t even sentenced the guy yet. But he’s in the cooler right now. And he is barred — I heard this today — barred from working in the securities industry. I’m thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?” – David Letterman
“And his attorney is looking for a shorter sentence. He wants 12 years. Bernie wants 12 years. Well, you know, if anybody deserves a break, it’s this guy, really.” – David Letterman
“Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that’s a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in.” – David Letterman
“Anybody here from South Carolina? Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford just disappears for four days. Literally, takes a hike. He’s out. And now, he’s back. And he says, ‘Well what’s the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.’ You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?” – David Letterman
“This is a big story because his wife, the governor’s wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, ‘Hey, who’s your travel agent? Who, where, how do I — how do I get in on this?'” – David Letterman
