“You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran’s supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera’s most popular show, their number one show over there, which is ‘How I Met Your Camel.'” – David Letterman
“Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns, voter turnout was more than 100%. What’s even stranger, all those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Florida.” – Conan O’Brien
“But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. Well, that’s good enough for me.” – David Letterman
“He did say that there was some trouble early on and they did make some errors. As a matter of fact, he’s now saying that they forgot to count votes for Susan Boyle.” – David Letterman
“More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons, and the NBC primetime lineup.” – Conan O’Brien
“But the Iranian government is planning a curfew because things are getting so crazy in Iran. And I thought if there is one thing an angry mob respects, by God, it’s a curfew, isn’t it?” – David Letterman
“Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has ‘done well’ during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain’s so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Barack Obama’s approval rating of 61%, which I thought was staggeringly high, has now dropped to 56%. So don’t kid yourselves. Hillary could still win this thing.” – David Letterman
“John McCain is being more outspoken about President Obama’s foreign policy and his Iranian strategy. And today, McCain got so loud and so angry, and he was screaming, that they asked him to leave Denny’s.” – David Letterman
“According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you hear this? Hillary Clinton busted her elbow. Apparently, she slipped and hit the floor when she went home to her husband early, unannounced.” – David Letterman
“And she hasn’t recovered yet. As a matter of fact, she’s still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit.” – David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after having surgery to repair her broken right elbow. Yeah, doctors say she’ll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like ‘low tar’ and ‘light.’ The tobacco companies said from now on they’ll label their low tar cigarettes as ‘less cancerific.'” – Conan O’Brien
