Political Irony

“They’re having a lot of trouble over there in Iran. They had the presidential election. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — it was controversial, they were tied, and now he’s claiming that he won by a landslide. So his opposition, they’re out on the streets. And you know, when you’re out in Iran, you’re not supposed to be — public displays, no, you can’t do that. And it’s like hundreds of thousands of people in the streets now protesting this election. And the government is going crazy. And they’re saying, ‘No, no, no, no. It’s not a — no, that, that’s not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones.'” – David Letterman

“By the way, if you haven’t bought dad a gift for Father’s Day, you can’t go wrong with the new book by Rush Limbaugh. You know the one I’m talking about? ‘Too Fat to Fish.'” – David Letterman

“But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad.” – David Letterman

“Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. The guy can’t win anything.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But the Iranian supreme leader will be speaking about the presidential election tomorrow. And if he does well, Al Jazeera will give him the 10:00 p.m. spot.” – David Letterman

“A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody’s worried. This is a true story. Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he’d get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.” – Conan O’Brien

“Some massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmoud A Members Only Jacket.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama’s policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They’re taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know how flies got on PETA’s do not kill list, but they have. And I say let he who is without a stain on his windshield that used to be a moth cast the first stone.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House, though, doesn’t like confrontation. You know, they like to work things out. So as a gesture of goodwill, they have relocated the fly’s family to the Rose Garden, where they are now living on a fresh pile of Bo Obama’s dog droppings. So that’s nice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you haven’t seen the video, it is pretty impressive. Reminds me of the time our previous president killed a worm with his tricycle.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s some wacky news. Last week, Sonia Sotomayor busted up her leg and I guess yesterday Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. It’s crazy. And I was thinking, what a coincidence. I have a bad elbow myself. I really do. It’s from all the drinking I’ve been doing the last couple of weeks. Hello!” – David Letterman

“Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn’t even break his hair.” – Craig Ferguson

“But I thought this was nice. When he heard she broke her elbow, Rush Limbaugh sent over some painkillers. So she’s going to be fine.” – David Letterman

“Our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl broke the fall, so she is okay.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But she — here’s what happened. This was sad. Hillary apparently broke her elbow when she slipped and fell bursting into Bill’s office unannounced.” – David Letterman

“Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she’s telling everybody it was sniper fire.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Secret Service performed beautifully but they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut Hillary out of her pantsuit.” – Craig Ferguson

“Everyone at the White House is concerned about her, and to wish her well today, they flew a pantsuit at half mast.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick ‘Boom Boom’ Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? He’s been upgraded from hated to unpopular.” –David Letterman

“I’m not surprised that Dick Cheney’s approval rating has really soared, really skyrocketed, up to 26%. Because you know, he gave people what they wanted. He left office.” – David Letterman

“Here’s some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship.” – Jimmy Fallon