Political Irony

[These jokes are all about the ongoing feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.]

“Thank you very much. Welcome to the ‘Late Show’, ladies and gentlemen. Now, when I call your name, please come forward and pick up your apology.” – David Letterman

“Hi, everyone. I’m Jimmy, I’m the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I’m planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I want to get through this as quickly as possible so you folks can get to the ‘Fire Dave’ rally.” – David Letterman

“It’s nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family.” – David Letterman

“My son, you know, he’s telling everybody at school that his father is Conan.” – David Letterman

“Yeah, there’s a ‘Fire Dave’ rally going on outside, but I think it’s just about over because the last time I looked, they were breaking up and heading to Flashdancers. So I think it’s going to be all right.” – David Letterman

“But let’s focus on the good news. And the good news is that Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. And she also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey. That helped. That was a big help.” – David Letterman

“Barack Obama is closing down that Guantanamo Bay. Did you hear about this? And they had, like, 300 desperate, awful, nasty prisoners. And they say, ‘All right, well, they’re shutting it down, what do you do with those guys?’ I say, aw hell, bring ’em to the audience. Let ’em come and enjoy the show. Have a nice time. Participate in the rally.” – David Letterman

“He doesn’t know what to do with the Guantanamo Bay prisoners, and I was thinking, well, you know, if you want to keep ’em busy, just put ’em in charge of my hate mail.” – David Letterman

“Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this — this was a little weird. Right here, we’re doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the ‘Fire Dave’ rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving.” – David Letterman

“And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They’ve been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies.” – David Letterman

“My family is taking me out to brunch on Father’s Day. I’m looking forward to the picketing.” – David Letterman

“But my son, God bless him. In school, he made me a very special Father’s Day gift. It’s a huge in-box for all my hate mail.” – David Letterman