“Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy.” – Jay Leno
“Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren’t you legally a Republican at this point? I think so.” – Jay Leno
“There were actually two fundraisers last night — a higher priced celebrity dinner and a second, cheaper dinner. See, that’s what I love about L.A. Even when we all come together as one nation to support our leader and face the most difficult challenges, you never forget that there’s always an A-list and a B-list.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, there was a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire, which ironically is also the Democratic energy policy — earth, wind and fire.'” – Jay Leno
“In fact, you know who was there? Kiefer Sutherland. I saw him down there. His job was to head-butt Joe Biden if he got near a microphone.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, you see that video online of the wind knocking down Joe Biden’s teleprompter at the Air Force graduation? See, that’s when you know you’re talking to too much — when even Mother Nature goes, ‘Shut up. Okay? Just shut up.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama flew back to Washington this morning. And you can tell even he’s feeling the economic pinch. Show him leaving today. Here he is getting on the plane. Can we pull out? Look at the plane. Look, see? It’s Southwest.” – Jay Leno
“Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union.” – Jay Leno
“Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings.” – Jay Leno
“The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You could tell that the senators were determined that afternoon. They passed the same bill five times. They were just like: ‘Seriously, pass it again. That’s a pretty good bill.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has picked Federal judge Sonia Sotomayor as the Supreme Court nominee. So that means the Supreme Court will have seven men and two women. Like speed dating night at the Burbank Holiday Inn.” – Jay Leno
“Burger King is adding a new kids’ meal that’s lower in fat, sodium and calories. It’s called the ‘I Don’t Want That.'” – Jimmy Fallon
