“Ex-Secretary of State Colin Powell went on CBS to reaffirm that he’s still a Republican. And just to prove it, he promised to lose an election right there on the show.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Memorial Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen.” – Jay Leno
“Well, I went to a bad barbecue. The bratwurst they served was just getting over the swine flu.” – Jay Leno
“Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the ’80s when he took an acting class.” – Bill Maher
“We’re $26 billion in the hole. I don’t want to say it’s bad, but today Mexico announced they’re building a border fence.” – Bill Maher
“They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you’re buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself.” – Bill Maher
“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she’ll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she’s not going to have any further comments on this whole controversy about the CIA She says no more talking. She’s not going to say another word. Why can’t we get this deal for Joe Biden?” – Jay Leno
“According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular girl’s name in America right now is Emma. The least popular girl’s name: Pelosi.” – Jay Leno
“Honolulu just conducted our nation’s first all-digital election. This is so cool. No voting booths, people cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone here at ‘Late Night’ would like to congratulate Honolulu’s new mayor, a piano playing cat.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The other day George Bush gave a speech at a graduating high school class. He wondered why they didn’t give him an honorary degree, but that’s another story. It’s interesting, he said he finds not being president liberating. Agreed.” – Bill Maher
“He told the kids it’s interesting the way life turns out, and now he finds himself walking the dog and picking up poop. Finally, something he can actually find. He couldn’t find Osama, he couldn’t find the weapons of mass destruction. If only we’d be attacked by dog sh*t, we’d be OK.” – Bill Maher
“Oh, poor George Bush, picking up after some unthinking creature’s mess. Well, now he knows how Obama feels.” – Bill Maher
“There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go f*ck yourself; biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring vs. craps in a bag.” – Bill Maher
“Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. This is like big-time wrestling, isn’t it? Man, it’s like charisma versus arrhythmia.” – Jay Leno
“I can’t believe Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He’s appearing on TV news shows. It’s like he thinks he is still president, you know?” – Jay Leno
“A new Pentagon report says that 1 in 7 inmates released from Guantanamo Bay has gone back to terrorism. Surprisingly, the other 6 are working in customer service.” – Jay Leno
“Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the other day that the prison at Guantanamo Bay has become a taint on the reputation of America. And that’s what the Bush administration will always be remembered as — America’s taint.” – Bill Maher
“Have you heard about North Korea? They’ve detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they’ll be ready if they’re ever attacked by gophers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“North Korea tested a nuclear bomb today. I don’t want to say this is a big deal, but it actually knocked ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8’ right off the front page.” – Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden’s former cook — I believe his name was Goatgang Puck if I’m not mistaken — is coming to New York to face charges. You know, we also got his driver. And here’s the good news. I understand we’re closing in on his pool boy and his aroma therapist. Yeah, we are closing the net.” – Jay Leno
“After a report that he called for shutting down Facebook in his country, the president of Iran, Mahmoud I’manutjob — is that how you say his name? Ahmadinejad. He’s now denying he ordered a ban on Facebook. He said, no, he did not. You know? That shows you the real power in the world is these days. Here’s a guy calling for the destruction of Israel, openly supports terrorism, denied the Holocaust, and then he’s accused of shutting down Facebook. ‘Nuh-uh! No way, not me.'” – Jay Leno
“The mayor of San Angelo, Texas, has quit because he fell in love with a Mexican man who does not have legal status in the United States. It got a little awkward when they were first going out. Like the mayor would pick him up for a date and the guy would jump in the trunk.” – Jay Leno
“And researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said getting herpes can give protection and prevent bubonic plague. Let me tell you something, okay? If you’re dating people who have herpes and bubonic plague, you might get a refund from your online dating service.” – Jay Leno
